You know, I still get a laugh when I read it because a similar patient interview takes place almost everyday.
"Take this patient’s history–please"
There’s plenty of humor in medicine–if you keep a lighthearted perspective. The author’s encounter with "Harry" is a case in point.
Take Harry. I’d already addressed his medical problem, so when he returned for a checkup I took the opportunity to fill in some gaps in his medical history.
But Harry, 55, was incapable of giving me a straight answer. Our colloquy was more reminiscent of a Marx Brothers routine than a doctor-patient dialogue. At first, I was frustrated by our inability to communicate. Then I began to see the humor in it. When I recount the experience to my colleagues, it cracks them up. See what you think.
Me: You’re married, aren’t you?
Harry: Yes.
Me: Is that your wife in the waiting room?
Harry: No, it’s my lady friend.
Me: I thought you were married?
Harry: I am, but my wife and I haven’t been together for years. We just never divorced.
Me: Well, we should probably test you for exposure to hepatitis C.
Harry: Why?
Me: Because you’ve had sex with more than one partner in your lifetime.
Harry: No, I haven’t.
Me: Didn’t you have sexual relations with your wife and your lady friend?
Harry: You bet I did. But only one at a time. I’ve often fantasized about being in bed with more than one woman, but I haven’t been that lucky.
Me: I’ll just send your blood sample to the lab. Do you have children?
Harry: Not anymore.
Me: Oh, gosh, I’m sorry for your loss. What happened?
Harry: They grew up and moved out.
Me: Oh, I see. How many children do you have?
Harry: By which wife?
Me: Er, how many wives have you had?
Harry: Four.
Me: Four! How many children do you have in all?
Harry: Six. I think. Who can remember? I haven’t seen some of their mothers in quite some time.
Me: Have you ever smoked?
Harry: Yes.
Me: Still smoking?
Harry: Yes.
Me: How much do you smoke?
Harry: A lot less than I used to.
Me: So, how much?
Harry: Hard to say.
Me: Well, on a typical day.
Harry: It depends.
Me: On what?
Harry: On whether it’s a weekday or a weekend.
Me: I see. How much do you smoke on a Saturday or Sunday?
Harry: It depends.
Me: On what?
Harry: On whether there’s a football game on TV.
Me: So if there’s a game on TV, how much do you smoke?
Harry: A lot more than I smoke when there’s no game.
Me: Let’s try a different approach. Do you buy cigarettes by the pack or the carton?
Harry: Carton.
Me: How many cartons do you buy a week?
Harry: I don’t buy a carton every week.
Me: So you smoke less than 10 packs a week?
Harry: I don’t think so.
Me: If you don’t buy a carton every week, you must be smoking less than 10 packs a week, because there are 10 packs in a carton.
Harry: I see what you’re getting at. I meant that I don’t have to go to the store every week. When I do go, I usually buy more than one carton at a time.
Me: How many cartons do you typically buy?
Harry: It depends.
Me: On what?
Harry: On whether or not there’s a sale.
Me: Okay, on a typical weekday, how many cigarettes do you smoke?
Harry: I’m not sure. You see, I don’t always smoke the whole cigarette. And now I smoke a light brand. So that doesn’t count as much as smoking a regular cigarette.
Me: Well, take a wild guess. A pack a day? Two?
Harry: Sure, I suppose, if you must write something down. But I really have no idea.
Me: Let’s move on. Do you ever drink alcoholic beverages?
Harry: Sure, but I haven’t had a drink in quite some time.
Me: Good for you. When did you quit?
Harry: I didn’t say I quit.
Me: How long since your last drink?
Harry: It’s been at least a couple of days.
Me: How much do you typically drink a day?
Harry: I don’t drink the hard stuff–only beer.
Me: How much beer a day?
Harry: It depends.
Me: On what?
Harry: On whether there’s a football game on TV and my buddies are there to watch it with me.
Me: Well, if there’s a game on, and your buddies are over, how many beers do you drink?
Harry: More than if I’m watching alone.
Me: Let’s try this: How many cases of beer do you buy a week?
Harry: I don’t buy cases every week.
Me: Oh, right. You probably buy more than one case at a time if there’s a sale.
Harry: Actually, I never buy cases–only six-packs and 12-packs.
Me: Do you normally drink a six-pack a day?
Harry: If you must write something down, I suppose that will do. The truth is, sometimes I drink more, sometimes less.
Me: Well, that’s enough history-taking for one session. How about I give you a flu shot?
Harry: No thanks. Every time I get a flu shot I come down with the flu.
Me: When was the last time you had a flu shot?
Harry: Oh, 1976 or thereabouts.
Me: It’s up to you. Have you been taking those blood pressure pills I prescribed the last time you were here?
Harry: Most of the time. Sometimes I forget.
Me: According to your chart, your last refill was for 30 pills. That was two months ago.
Harry: Really? No wonder I have no more left. I took the last one just before coming here. You know, going to the doctor can be a nerve-racking experience.
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